Post by Don on Oct 16, 2004 17:29:50 GMT -5
It’s all in my mind right?
This invisible force that pulls me, pushes me.
It’s there. I feel it. I can feel its edges and boundaries. It’s real. But, I cannot see it.
It blows like the wind and carries more momentum than water.
I am controlled. I am contorted, tortured. Shamed and maimed.
It tears at our pride.
A weakness of self. An enemy defined, sulking within.
Sound familiar?
Addiction certainly behaves in such fashion. It controls us. It resides within us.
We are forced to obey it’s wishes to the point of tears upon bent knee. It battles us and we, It.
The battle against it becomes a hidden battle for sanity. We question sanity itself.
As I survey the terrain of my own sanity, I rediscover and enumerate the pulls and pushes that secretly direct us. Strong pulls such as those towards individuals who’s qualities and attributes we describe quaintly as “attractive”. (She’s attractive, he’s attractive.) Pull toward monetary and materialistic concerns. Pull to water, to food. Pull to things we find addictive.
Equally true in that in addition to pull, there resides repulsion. There are things that evoke revulsion, nausea and fear.
Sometimes these pushes and pulls appear to direct us without warning.
Such is the case I found myself in this past week.
I’ve been pushed…and pushed quite soundly on my @ss.
We all have fears, only fools do not. However, I have to envy the fools.
For I have a fear of heights. Had it for as long as I can remember.
I’ve come to accept it and still accomplish many tasks that have involved heights.
I’ve visited the Sears Tower, and John Hancok buildings in Chicago, been to the Grand Canyon-twice, the Hoover Dam, the CN tower in Toronto, Skylon tower in Niagra Falls.
I’ve spent a week solo hiking in the Rockies reaching well above the timberline.
I’ve flown in many big and small planes. I even took a door-less helicopter ride over Niagra Falls. Gone to all of my required “meet the members of the Board” meetings in lofty places. Unfortunately, as I age, I find it harder and harder to reason with that beast within me.
Logic failed to protect me from emotion as I just encountered my first panic attack.
It was triggered when I found out last Monday that I had an upcoming user’s group meeting on the 39th floor penthouse of a hotel in Chicago. My heart rate jumped and never shut down for several days. Besides noticing me being somewhat withdrawn, my wife was astonished to find that I had rearranged our kitchen utensil drawer and my insistence that it was always the way that I had just set it up. I then blanked out a whole entire day. I found that out when I drove to work and was cursing the “idiots” who were putting their garbage out on the street a day early. I had to admit to myself that I was having a problem and needed to get help and left to see a doctor last week Wed. Doctor thinks I may have a medical condition that may be related to thyroid illness (which I recall another instance of a doctor suggesting I get that checked). Regardless, I got a prescript for some tranquilizers so I could attend the meeting the next 2 days. I had to enlist the help of the hotel concierge and a meeting speaker to help get me up there. It was as bad as I thought it would be but I was able to keep myself from coming apart, even if it meant snubbing a few business contacts who were unaware of what was going on with me.
I thought I had a demon under control, but was unprepared to fight the coup d'état.
I’ve had an addiction to cigarettes for a long time. I do not consider that demon to be gone, merely put to rest. I dare not awaken him by smoking a cigarette again.
Acknowledging a demon-an enemy, alone won’t accomplish success over them.
No, to keep control we must fight to suppress them. The battle is easier when others help fight the common foe. The fight is never over. The lulls in battle should be an opportune time to sharpen one’s sword. My sword needs to be sharpened. For now, the enemy has the high ground. We shall meet again. It never ends.
This invisible force that pulls me, pushes me.
It’s there. I feel it. I can feel its edges and boundaries. It’s real. But, I cannot see it.
It blows like the wind and carries more momentum than water.
I am controlled. I am contorted, tortured. Shamed and maimed.
It tears at our pride.
A weakness of self. An enemy defined, sulking within.
Sound familiar?
Addiction certainly behaves in such fashion. It controls us. It resides within us.
We are forced to obey it’s wishes to the point of tears upon bent knee. It battles us and we, It.
The battle against it becomes a hidden battle for sanity. We question sanity itself.
As I survey the terrain of my own sanity, I rediscover and enumerate the pulls and pushes that secretly direct us. Strong pulls such as those towards individuals who’s qualities and attributes we describe quaintly as “attractive”. (She’s attractive, he’s attractive.) Pull toward monetary and materialistic concerns. Pull to water, to food. Pull to things we find addictive.
Equally true in that in addition to pull, there resides repulsion. There are things that evoke revulsion, nausea and fear.
Sometimes these pushes and pulls appear to direct us without warning.
Such is the case I found myself in this past week.
I’ve been pushed…and pushed quite soundly on my @ss.
We all have fears, only fools do not. However, I have to envy the fools.
For I have a fear of heights. Had it for as long as I can remember.
I’ve come to accept it and still accomplish many tasks that have involved heights.
I’ve visited the Sears Tower, and John Hancok buildings in Chicago, been to the Grand Canyon-twice, the Hoover Dam, the CN tower in Toronto, Skylon tower in Niagra Falls.
I’ve spent a week solo hiking in the Rockies reaching well above the timberline.
I’ve flown in many big and small planes. I even took a door-less helicopter ride over Niagra Falls. Gone to all of my required “meet the members of the Board” meetings in lofty places. Unfortunately, as I age, I find it harder and harder to reason with that beast within me.
Logic failed to protect me from emotion as I just encountered my first panic attack.
It was triggered when I found out last Monday that I had an upcoming user’s group meeting on the 39th floor penthouse of a hotel in Chicago. My heart rate jumped and never shut down for several days. Besides noticing me being somewhat withdrawn, my wife was astonished to find that I had rearranged our kitchen utensil drawer and my insistence that it was always the way that I had just set it up. I then blanked out a whole entire day. I found that out when I drove to work and was cursing the “idiots” who were putting their garbage out on the street a day early. I had to admit to myself that I was having a problem and needed to get help and left to see a doctor last week Wed. Doctor thinks I may have a medical condition that may be related to thyroid illness (which I recall another instance of a doctor suggesting I get that checked). Regardless, I got a prescript for some tranquilizers so I could attend the meeting the next 2 days. I had to enlist the help of the hotel concierge and a meeting speaker to help get me up there. It was as bad as I thought it would be but I was able to keep myself from coming apart, even if it meant snubbing a few business contacts who were unaware of what was going on with me.
I thought I had a demon under control, but was unprepared to fight the coup d'état.
I’ve had an addiction to cigarettes for a long time. I do not consider that demon to be gone, merely put to rest. I dare not awaken him by smoking a cigarette again.
Acknowledging a demon-an enemy, alone won’t accomplish success over them.
No, to keep control we must fight to suppress them. The battle is easier when others help fight the common foe. The fight is never over. The lulls in battle should be an opportune time to sharpen one’s sword. My sword needs to be sharpened. For now, the enemy has the high ground. We shall meet again. It never ends.
