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Post by countryblocks on Mar 30, 2006 20:55:22 GMT -5
well here I am with a big problem that I know no one can solve.Gee I can't solve it myself so I am going to see my therapist tomorrow for advice.As I stated before I made my son get out.Crazy as it may seem I miss him.Things were going so well even though it was just a little while. He has been gone for a couple weeks.He called yesterday and asked for money to get his truck fixed and I said no.Hubby wanted to and I said the more we help him seems like he gets worse.So he said no.course that didn't sit well with him and he hung up. I told him if he wanted to stay here and follow parole rules and stop lying then we would help him and he hung up. He called tonight and nice and friendly but didn't seem too cheerful so we talked a little..I told him about our sick dog that we have to put to sleep.Not tomorrow cause my grandson is here til tomorrow night. Guess I am off the track a bit but parole rule means he is to be living here and if not it is a parole violation. So part of it my fault and part is his so I have to ask whose fault and do I have to tell his po. I am not looking forward to it and I didn't tell my son.I don't sleep well at night so I take naps during the day.I'm just tired.Living with someone who has a drug problem is a whole different life. JP I congratulate you for being stronger than I. I thank you for opening up first.This opened the door for me .Thank you to everything for letting me get it out.
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Post by ncpops on Mar 31, 2006 8:26:07 GMT -5
Love comes in many forms. It always leaves an impression, maybe warm & comfy or a heartache, but not to care and not to take appropiate action would be counterproductive. Sometimes as a parent we need to take action that at first seems uncaring but we must look at the needs of all.
God bless
Jimpops
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Post by Dee on Mar 31, 2006 9:28:07 GMT -5
CB, you are applying "Tough Love". I know all about that process and even though it is hard and hurts so deeply, it is the only way to truly help him. He has to come to the conclusion that he needs to take care of himself by obeying the parole rules. I care so much about you and your family...you ARE my family. Let me be there for you.
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Post by Ann on Mar 31, 2006 10:59:27 GMT -5
Country I am watching my sister go through this process of "tough love" and it's killing her too. The point of tough love is that at some point they need to reach rock bottom in able to pick their lives back up. They can't reach rock bottom if you don't quit supporting them and their habit. They need to learn to take responsibility for their bad decisions and not have people play platitudes of 'that's ok, next time, you'll do better, etc.' If they can't or won't grow up then that has to be their decision you can not make those decisions for him no matter how much you want to protect them.
They made the decision to use drugs in place of therapy, to make themselves feel better, to withdraw from the world or what ever their reasoning was behind it. Now they need to make the decision to quit doing drugs and that's not easy because an addiction is hard and we all know that from our response to quitting smoking.
The tough love is hard on parents and even harder on the child but in some cases you are just being an enabler and that in the long run is not helpful to your child.
I've watched my nephew go into rehab at least once a year (sometimes 3-4 times a year) for the last 5-6 years only to come out and do drugs again for some unknow reason. This is just killing my sister and I can only offer my ear for listening and my shoulder for crying when what I really want to do is smack him so hard for hurting her over and over and over again.
I want to shake some sense into to him but it does no good because the root of the problem is still there and needs to be addressed. Why did they start in the first place? Who told them that they had to be happy every day of their lives? Where did the low self-esteem come from to make them seek drugs instead of help? They are the only ones that can answer those questions and act on them you cannot.
I'm sorry for going on but it's killing my sister and ruining her marriage and there is nothing I can do about it to help her or my nephew. Yes I can spout off about tough love and all the things you need to be doing because I'm sitting on the sidelines watching this happen and I'm feeling frustrated. If this was my son what would I do, I honestly don't know but we did go through a bout of drinking in college that threw me off kilter quite a bit. I know it's nothing compared to what you guys are going through just know that there are others in the world going through the same thing as you and there are support groups out there for the parents to help them through this. I urge you to seek them out for help, support, back-up and your own sanity.
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Post by Elaine on Apr 3, 2006 17:40:14 GMT -5
You offer to help if he makes the decision to follow the rules and he chooses not to follow the rules. I am glad you are making decisions that are right for you. It's so hard to watch our children struggle but sometimes a little tough love is what is needed.
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Post by jpkwitter on Apr 5, 2006 11:58:04 GMT -5
I am sorry for your difficulty...it is heartbreaking to say the least...hang in there though...they say there is a reason for everything...maybe it is to make you stronger...maybe it is to keep you alert...sometimes I think it is to drive one crazy...  or maybe there just is no reason...regardless...take good care of yourself...Big Hug to you. Hang in there. JP |
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or maybe there just is no reason...regardless...take good care of yourself...Big Hug to you. Hang in there.