Post by Ann on Jul 27, 2006 7:28:50 GMT -5
From jessicaybar on 12/16/2001
I always thought I would quit by the time I turned 30 - but something always came up...not just little things, but MAJOR stuff.
My quit age got pushed up to 35 - surely I would be quit by then. But something always came up..never could be just little problems, always had to be BIG dilemnas.
I was positive though that I wouldn't pass my 40th birthday and still be smoking - but again, there was always SOMETHING..the allnighters writing papers for my masters, major difficulties, always SOMETHING..I arrived at my 40th birthday STILL smoking, and absolutely miserable about it.
Smoking made me miserable - but I still loved my cigarettes. Made no sense at all. I was chained to the things - couldn't be anywhere for more than ten or fifteen minutes without worrying about a cigarette. Couldn't go to the grocery store without stressing out about needing a cigarette only halfway through the store. Couldn't carpool with anyone that was a nonsmoker because I couldn't smoke - and that would be unbearable. Couldn't do SQUAT without a cigarette.
Even when I had surgery,(everything from major abdominal surgery, to gallbladder surgery, to c-sections) I would drag myself out of that bed and find my way to the outdoor area, since they no longer allow smoking in our hospitals, and have a cigarette. No, that's not true - I'd have several, and then start asking when I could go home..Felt like a warmed over plate of greasy spaghetti BLECK!, sick as a dog, groggy and in pain since I wouldn't let them keep giving me demerol or whatever because it made me too groggy to smoke (!) No sirree, I'd just take motrin, walk real slowly, hurt like crazy, and have my cigarettes. Cigarettes helped me to FEEL BETTER and get rid of the nasty hospital drugs in my system..or so I thought.
I was so happy when one of my babies decided to come quickly at home - I didn't have time to even get to the hospital, - Labor and delivery from start to finish was 1 hour, and I smoked about all but the last 5 minutes of it. Is that pathetic or what?!
If I had a favorite blouse, shirt, skirt, dress, jumper, sweater - it would always be an expensive one - that would be THE one that would end up with a cigarette burn in it. New upholstery - didn't stay pretty and nice very long. New linoleum even ended up with an ugly cigarette burn in it!
Smoking had started making an effect on my vanity as well - I was starting to get little lines around my lips - YUCK! Nobody I've ever seen has those EXCEPT for smokers - My skin above my lips was a darker color than the rest of my face - another "mark" of being a smoker. I was beginning to get that "golden smoker's" skin coloration..reminds me of leather or something.
Hair started becoming brittle. Skin was entirely too dry..this all started happening FAST, just all of a sudden. Liver spots?!
Smoking had invaded every aspect of my life. We would paint walls, only to find them just as grimy within months. I'd want to move a picture, put up new wall decorations and move old ones only to find I could NOT because of the smoke stains on the walls..
Clean the windows - nonsmoking houses do NOT have that yellow brown film on their windows - or inside the car...
The computer monitor - nasty even after cleaning it! Come time to get a new computer system, sell the old one...hang your head in shame as the prospective nonsmoking buyer looks it over...know that you will only be able to sell such a system to another smoker.. The ash mess in the car floor...
Dealing with bronchitis just about every time a cold/flu came around. Everyone else would get over it within a few short days - mine always went to my chest and lasted weeks. The awful truth about being a mother multiple times and having a case of bronchitis is the very real need for DEPENDS during the duration - now if that isn't a good reason to not smoke, I don't know what is.
I was brought up with the mindset that smoking is a sin, and by continuing to smoke I was guaranteeing myself an eternity of suffering and torture - which has worried me often over the years - but still I continued to smoke, feeling I must not be serious about wanting to give it up or else I would have already..feeling terribly guilty..
And then my ten year old developed an ugly sounding cough. Worry. Guilt.
Yet I would just about kill someone over my cigarettes, and look out world if I should somehow manage to run out and not have one within two minutes reach.
JUNKIE. But I didnt' realize it. I only felt guilty that I wasn't strong enough or good enough to let go of my smoking.
I prayed like crazy asking for Diving Intervention, for the quitting to be done FOR me, for my will to be overridden in this matter - I had prayed before, but probably never this hard or long -
and then came another case of bronchitis, a suspicious xray, and talk about FEAR! I found out I COULD use a patch and started using one..discovered Quitnet... and was able to not pick up a cigarette...
My sense of smell returned - I had forgotten how wonderful so many things smelled..My sense of taste...my bronchitis cleared up within a few short days...going up and down stairs became TONS easier - where before I had to DRAG myself up them, now I can just about run up two steps at a time.. that was just the beginning of many good things to come of quitting smoking - it has been like being reborn again almost - so many things have improved, so many good things have happened because of it - I haven't felt this good in years. Ten year old's cough has gone away. House smells like whatever's been cooking in the kitchen. Car doesn't stink. The liver spots and facial skin discolorations are just about gone now - it has only been 28 days and wow!
The biggest stressor of my life (I think) occured on Day 12 of my quit. Doctor told me I had lung cancer and that it had been there for one to two years already, which means it started in my thirties...
How in the world could I have lung cancer? I feel FINE! Nevertheless, I have to deal with it and have surgery in a couple of days to remove part of a lung! How could this be?!
Yes, I've thought to myself quite a few times, "Boy, I could really use a cigarette right now"..Pathetic huh? Especially considering it is the cigarettes that PUT me in this position.
Cigarettes are evil. Addiction is evil. It is a trap designed to hold you as long as is possible, in order to line someone's pockets... they hope you will continue to put off quitting..they hope you will continue to smoke just one more, just for today, just until the holiday, just until the new year's, just until the summer..just until another year has passed, just until
you die.
I'm caught in that trap now - I've been able to quit smoking, but I'm still caught by one leg, so to speak.. that is, I don't know if I will survive any length of time. I don't know if I will live or not, and to make it all the more stressful, I know the majority of people with lung cancer do not survive even a couple of years..Boy I could use a cigarette right now..how about just until after this thing with lung cancer works itself out, cause I really NEED a cigarette, you know?! (NOT)
I think there is some value in quitting during our MOST stressful times - probably much more than waiting to quit during a noneventful, "calm" time -
Don't wait, I *beg* you, don't wait. They have you exactly where they want you - which is right where they had me.
~~**Jessicaybar passed away about 2-3 years ago leaving four young children and a husband. She was a member of the QuitNet**~~
I always thought I would quit by the time I turned 30 - but something always came up...not just little things, but MAJOR stuff.
My quit age got pushed up to 35 - surely I would be quit by then. But something always came up..never could be just little problems, always had to be BIG dilemnas.
I was positive though that I wouldn't pass my 40th birthday and still be smoking - but again, there was always SOMETHING..the allnighters writing papers for my masters, major difficulties, always SOMETHING..I arrived at my 40th birthday STILL smoking, and absolutely miserable about it.
Smoking made me miserable - but I still loved my cigarettes. Made no sense at all. I was chained to the things - couldn't be anywhere for more than ten or fifteen minutes without worrying about a cigarette. Couldn't go to the grocery store without stressing out about needing a cigarette only halfway through the store. Couldn't carpool with anyone that was a nonsmoker because I couldn't smoke - and that would be unbearable. Couldn't do SQUAT without a cigarette.
Even when I had surgery,(everything from major abdominal surgery, to gallbladder surgery, to c-sections) I would drag myself out of that bed and find my way to the outdoor area, since they no longer allow smoking in our hospitals, and have a cigarette. No, that's not true - I'd have several, and then start asking when I could go home..Felt like a warmed over plate of greasy spaghetti BLECK!, sick as a dog, groggy and in pain since I wouldn't let them keep giving me demerol or whatever because it made me too groggy to smoke (!) No sirree, I'd just take motrin, walk real slowly, hurt like crazy, and have my cigarettes. Cigarettes helped me to FEEL BETTER and get rid of the nasty hospital drugs in my system..or so I thought.
I was so happy when one of my babies decided to come quickly at home - I didn't have time to even get to the hospital, - Labor and delivery from start to finish was 1 hour, and I smoked about all but the last 5 minutes of it. Is that pathetic or what?!
If I had a favorite blouse, shirt, skirt, dress, jumper, sweater - it would always be an expensive one - that would be THE one that would end up with a cigarette burn in it. New upholstery - didn't stay pretty and nice very long. New linoleum even ended up with an ugly cigarette burn in it!
Smoking had started making an effect on my vanity as well - I was starting to get little lines around my lips - YUCK! Nobody I've ever seen has those EXCEPT for smokers - My skin above my lips was a darker color than the rest of my face - another "mark" of being a smoker. I was beginning to get that "golden smoker's" skin coloration..reminds me of leather or something.
Hair started becoming brittle. Skin was entirely too dry..this all started happening FAST, just all of a sudden. Liver spots?! Smoking had invaded every aspect of my life. We would paint walls, only to find them just as grimy within months. I'd want to move a picture, put up new wall decorations and move old ones only to find I could NOT because of the smoke stains on the walls..
Clean the windows - nonsmoking houses do NOT have that yellow brown film on their windows - or inside the car...
The computer monitor - nasty even after cleaning it! Come time to get a new computer system, sell the old one...hang your head in shame as the prospective nonsmoking buyer looks it over...know that you will only be able to sell such a system to another smoker.. The ash mess in the car floor...
Dealing with bronchitis just about every time a cold/flu came around. Everyone else would get over it within a few short days - mine always went to my chest and lasted weeks. The awful truth about being a mother multiple times and having a case of bronchitis is the very real need for DEPENDS during the duration - now if that isn't a good reason to not smoke, I don't know what is.
I was brought up with the mindset that smoking is a sin, and by continuing to smoke I was guaranteeing myself an eternity of suffering and torture - which has worried me often over the years - but still I continued to smoke, feeling I must not be serious about wanting to give it up or else I would have already..feeling terribly guilty..
And then my ten year old developed an ugly sounding cough. Worry. Guilt.
Yet I would just about kill someone over my cigarettes, and look out world if I should somehow manage to run out and not have one within two minutes reach.
JUNKIE. But I didnt' realize it. I only felt guilty that I wasn't strong enough or good enough to let go of my smoking.
I prayed like crazy asking for Diving Intervention, for the quitting to be done FOR me, for my will to be overridden in this matter - I had prayed before, but probably never this hard or long -
and then came another case of bronchitis, a suspicious xray, and talk about FEAR! I found out I COULD use a patch and started using one..discovered Quitnet... and was able to not pick up a cigarette...
My sense of smell returned - I had forgotten how wonderful so many things smelled..My sense of taste...my bronchitis cleared up within a few short days...going up and down stairs became TONS easier - where before I had to DRAG myself up them, now I can just about run up two steps at a time.. that was just the beginning of many good things to come of quitting smoking - it has been like being reborn again almost - so many things have improved, so many good things have happened because of it - I haven't felt this good in years. Ten year old's cough has gone away. House smells like whatever's been cooking in the kitchen. Car doesn't stink. The liver spots and facial skin discolorations are just about gone now - it has only been 28 days and wow!
The biggest stressor of my life (I think) occured on Day 12 of my quit. Doctor told me I had lung cancer and that it had been there for one to two years already, which means it started in my thirties...
How in the world could I have lung cancer? I feel FINE! Nevertheless, I have to deal with it and have surgery in a couple of days to remove part of a lung! How could this be?!
Yes, I've thought to myself quite a few times, "Boy, I could really use a cigarette right now"..Pathetic huh? Especially considering it is the cigarettes that PUT me in this position.
Cigarettes are evil. Addiction is evil. It is a trap designed to hold you as long as is possible, in order to line someone's pockets... they hope you will continue to put off quitting..they hope you will continue to smoke just one more, just for today, just until the holiday, just until the new year's, just until the summer..just until another year has passed, just until
you die.
I'm caught in that trap now - I've been able to quit smoking, but I'm still caught by one leg, so to speak.. that is, I don't know if I will survive any length of time. I don't know if I will live or not, and to make it all the more stressful, I know the majority of people with lung cancer do not survive even a couple of years..Boy I could use a cigarette right now..how about just until after this thing with lung cancer works itself out, cause I really NEED a cigarette, you know?! (NOT)
I think there is some value in quitting during our MOST stressful times - probably much more than waiting to quit during a noneventful, "calm" time -
Don't wait, I *beg* you, don't wait. They have you exactly where they want you - which is right where they had me.
~~**Jessicaybar passed away about 2-3 years ago leaving four young children and a husband. She was a member of the QuitNet**~~