Post by Ann on Jan 22, 2009 9:01:43 GMT -5
I'm Scared of dying
rossonranch.com
After 40 years, I quit smoking over 3 years ago. At that time, I was diagnosed with COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease - which includes emphysema, chronic bronchitis, asthmas and several other lung diseases).
I didn't quit smoking because the doctors told me that I had lung disease. I quit smoking because I couldn't breathe when I did smoke. It was my choice. That's the only way it would've worked.
I just wish I had never smoked. And I REALLY wish I didn't have lung disease.
Normally, I try to post more positive messages but I think it's time to let you know what's "really" going on.
Out of a possible 100%, I'm breathing at 34% (the last time they checked).
I have had more trouble breathing since just before Xmas last year. I can't
walk from my office to my kitchen (not very far) without running out of air.
Many people (including my husband) think that all I need to do is to put on my oxygen. That's not the problem. It won't help.
You see, my lungs are kinda floppy from the emphysema. I can't get a"good" or a deep breath. You know how you feel when you have to yawn but can't quite get it out? I want you to try and take a deep breath and feel that final "fill". I can't get that.
It feels like everything in my stomach is pushing up into my diaphragm and and it will no longer fill up either.
We had a party last weekend with about 60 friends. I did all the cooking (prior to the party). I've always had parties. I've always done the cooking. And I've always loved doing it. I haven't been able to do this since 2004.
I won't ever be able to do it again. I "lost" all of my air just walking around
and welcoming our guests. My kids saw how overwhelmed I was and jumped in and served the food, kept the bowls filled and washed the dishes and stored the food. I am truly blessed to have them. But, I'm only 59 years old. This shouldn't be happening this early in my life.
Friends that live further away and haven't seen me for while (we talk on the phone) couldn't hide their concern about the change in my appearance. I'm all swollen up because of having to take the steroids (Prednisone). I jokingly refer to myself as the feminine version of the Pillsbury Doughboy.
Tuesday I will see my doctor again. The last time I saw him (We're almost on a first name basis......he calls me CR - my initials) he warned me that I will probably have to be admitted to the hospital and put on IV steroids and
antibiotics. Heck, the last time I was in the hospital I caught MRSA! Well, at least it guarantees a private room at a regular rate and really clean nurses so I don't get infected again.
I'm not writing this for sympathy or attention. I'm writing this to give you a
dose of reality. No, I don't have lung cancer from smoking. But this could go on for years and years and keep getting worse and worse. And if I don't die from something else, I will definitely die from this. And it won't be purty.
No, I won't ever smoke again. As my late father's cancer doctor told him,
"Why would you want to put any more money in the pockets of the people
who caused your demise?"
Dad kept smoking until couldn't any more. He died of lung cancer at 76 years. Mom died of lung disease at the age of 82. I was the one who had to tell them not to put her on a respirator (her wishes).
Whatever you do, please find and keep your quits.
Warmest hugs,
Gramma CeeCee
rossonranch.com
After 40 years, I quit smoking over 3 years ago. At that time, I was diagnosed with COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease - which includes emphysema, chronic bronchitis, asthmas and several other lung diseases).
I didn't quit smoking because the doctors told me that I had lung disease. I quit smoking because I couldn't breathe when I did smoke. It was my choice. That's the only way it would've worked.
I just wish I had never smoked. And I REALLY wish I didn't have lung disease.
Normally, I try to post more positive messages but I think it's time to let you know what's "really" going on.
Out of a possible 100%, I'm breathing at 34% (the last time they checked).
I have had more trouble breathing since just before Xmas last year. I can't
walk from my office to my kitchen (not very far) without running out of air.
Many people (including my husband) think that all I need to do is to put on my oxygen. That's not the problem. It won't help.
You see, my lungs are kinda floppy from the emphysema. I can't get a"good" or a deep breath. You know how you feel when you have to yawn but can't quite get it out? I want you to try and take a deep breath and feel that final "fill". I can't get that.
It feels like everything in my stomach is pushing up into my diaphragm and and it will no longer fill up either.
We had a party last weekend with about 60 friends. I did all the cooking (prior to the party). I've always had parties. I've always done the cooking. And I've always loved doing it. I haven't been able to do this since 2004.
I won't ever be able to do it again. I "lost" all of my air just walking around
and welcoming our guests. My kids saw how overwhelmed I was and jumped in and served the food, kept the bowls filled and washed the dishes and stored the food. I am truly blessed to have them. But, I'm only 59 years old. This shouldn't be happening this early in my life.
Friends that live further away and haven't seen me for while (we talk on the phone) couldn't hide their concern about the change in my appearance. I'm all swollen up because of having to take the steroids (Prednisone). I jokingly refer to myself as the feminine version of the Pillsbury Doughboy.
Tuesday I will see my doctor again. The last time I saw him (We're almost on a first name basis......he calls me CR - my initials) he warned me that I will probably have to be admitted to the hospital and put on IV steroids and
antibiotics. Heck, the last time I was in the hospital I caught MRSA! Well, at least it guarantees a private room at a regular rate and really clean nurses so I don't get infected again.
I'm not writing this for sympathy or attention. I'm writing this to give you a
dose of reality. No, I don't have lung cancer from smoking. But this could go on for years and years and keep getting worse and worse. And if I don't die from something else, I will definitely die from this. And it won't be purty.
No, I won't ever smoke again. As my late father's cancer doctor told him,
"Why would you want to put any more money in the pockets of the people
who caused your demise?"
Dad kept smoking until couldn't any more. He died of lung cancer at 76 years. Mom died of lung disease at the age of 82. I was the one who had to tell them not to put her on a respirator (her wishes).
Whatever you do, please find and keep your quits.
Warmest hugs,
Gramma CeeCee