Post by Ann on May 7, 2009 7:52:44 GMT -5
An Unescapable Reality
While smoking I put my life on hold. And not just for a few minutes either. Each day was built on the breaks I took from real life to accommodate my habit in my "temporary" addicted life. The fundamental building blocks of each and every day were smoke "breaks".
Had to start each day with a smoke "break" cause everyone needs a break from a night's sleep, right? I mean how would I enjoy a nice breakfast or a warm cup of coffee without choking down some toxic fumes along with it?
Then of course the rest of the day had each and every task punctuated with a "before I begin" smoke and a "need a break to regain concentration" and a final "that's finished" punctuation smoke.
Each meal needed punctuation breaks too. There's the "big preperation" break and the "wow that was good" break after eating. I'm sure this particular break baffles the non-smoker most of all. Why would anyone want to go and spoil a delicious meal by finishing it with the nasty taste of smoke in your mouth. Ah, every smoker knows.
Now of course if anything happened that caused an emotion of any kind I couldn't handle feeling it without a "deaden that feeling" smoke. Whether I felt happy, sad, angry, or bored, I needed to smoke to handle feeling anything at all.
Then we've got the wind down hours when the kids go to bed. I had the several "phew, what a day" smokes. Perhaps these would be accompanied by a glass of wine in which case I added several "I'm a bit tipsy" smokes.
Finally, I ended each day with the "ready for bed" break. This of course was an important nicotine stock piling smoke. If for some reason I fell asleep on the sofa while watching TV I could not pick myself up and into bed without first making a trip outside for that"prebedtime" smoke.
And goodness knows if for some odd reason, any reason mind you, I awoke during the night, even for a coughing fit, I had to take that "well I'm up might as well" smoke break too.
So in reflection I haven't really been living my life at all. As my health deteriorated and my energy lessened to actually do and enjoy my life I continued along taking a stream of "breaks" from my life.
I'm feeling better that I can once again actually participate in my life instead of breaking my way through it in a series of escapist pauses.
While smoking I put my life on hold. And not just for a few minutes either. Each day was built on the breaks I took from real life to accommodate my habit in my "temporary" addicted life. The fundamental building blocks of each and every day were smoke "breaks".
Had to start each day with a smoke "break" cause everyone needs a break from a night's sleep, right? I mean how would I enjoy a nice breakfast or a warm cup of coffee without choking down some toxic fumes along with it?
Then of course the rest of the day had each and every task punctuated with a "before I begin" smoke and a "need a break to regain concentration" and a final "that's finished" punctuation smoke.
Each meal needed punctuation breaks too. There's the "big preperation" break and the "wow that was good" break after eating. I'm sure this particular break baffles the non-smoker most of all. Why would anyone want to go and spoil a delicious meal by finishing it with the nasty taste of smoke in your mouth. Ah, every smoker knows.
Now of course if anything happened that caused an emotion of any kind I couldn't handle feeling it without a "deaden that feeling" smoke. Whether I felt happy, sad, angry, or bored, I needed to smoke to handle feeling anything at all.
Then we've got the wind down hours when the kids go to bed. I had the several "phew, what a day" smokes. Perhaps these would be accompanied by a glass of wine in which case I added several "I'm a bit tipsy" smokes.
Finally, I ended each day with the "ready for bed" break. This of course was an important nicotine stock piling smoke. If for some reason I fell asleep on the sofa while watching TV I could not pick myself up and into bed without first making a trip outside for that"prebedtime" smoke.
And goodness knows if for some odd reason, any reason mind you, I awoke during the night, even for a coughing fit, I had to take that "well I'm up might as well" smoke break too.
So in reflection I haven't really been living my life at all. As my health deteriorated and my energy lessened to actually do and enjoy my life I continued along taking a stream of "breaks" from my life.
I'm feeling better that I can once again actually participate in my life instead of breaking my way through it in a series of escapist pauses.
