Post by judyb on Jul 17, 2004 7:49:34 GMT -5
"Diary of an Ex-Smoker"
Rachel Altman 1994
Monday
Having decided to quit smoking once and for all, I flush half a pack of cigarettes
down the toilet, put on a nicotine patch, then go to the store to buy sunflower seeds,
carrots, hard candies, grape juice, and sugarless gum.
Turn to work on article about quit smoking programs, but can't concentrate; images
of me lighting a cigarette keep flashing through my mind. Try deep breathing, then
chew sunflower seeds, carrots, gum. Still desperately craving cigarette.
Give up and go to the gym for two-hour work-out. Immediately after, feel great urge
to smoke. Stop at store, buy half-pound of chocolate-covered almonds. Polish them
off before I get home.
Attend a reading at Barnes and Noble, throughout which I suck candies like a
madwoman, rummaging in my purse for another as soon as one is finished. Ask lots
of questions, loudly, aggressively, interrupting other people, who give me dirty looks.
11:00 p.m. Can't sleep. Watch David Letterman.
12:30. Fix a cup of chamomile tea. Take a Benadryl to make me drowsy.
Eventually fall asleep.
Tuesday
Try to work, but it's hopeless. Distracted by cravings. Log onto Internet stop-smoking
newsgroup and spend the morning posting, maniacally telling strangers things I
haven't told my husband, my best friend, my therapist. Sunflower seeds very
satisfying to chew, chomp, pound with teeth, destroy the little buggers and tear them
to shreds. Ha!, take that.??
Lunchtime comes very quickly; I've moved it up from noon to, oh let's see, it must be
11:05 now. Alas, another morning with no work done.
Go to the gym and pump stairmaster while watching a soap. Cry unabashedly.
Ask husband if he will still love me if I'm intense, interrupt all the time, weep
uncontrollably, and gain 20 pounds. He says he thinks there's medication I can take
that isn't as bad for me as cigarettes. This response is less than encouraging.
11:30 p.m. Letterman again. Make a note: Call doctor and ask if she knows of a
Benadryl addicts support group.
Wednesday
Dreamt that I had quit smoking, felt happy. Then saw myself in mirror, grotesquely
obese. Log onto Internet and post: "If anyone knows of a fat- free sunflower seed,
please e-mail me immediately!!!" Make a mental note: Stop using so many
exclamations points!!!
Read through notes for article but the words make no sense, and my Internet buddies
are getting on my nerves: all that whining, or worse, the cheerleading from the ones
who are having an easy time.
5:00 p.m. Panic. What possessed me to quit when I'm facing a deadline? I said I
would do anything to become an ex-smoker, but I didn't expect to give up my
livelihood. And what sort of work is available to people with the attention span of an
e-mail post? Images of famous writers sitting at typewriters flash through my
head--they're all holding cigarettes. What made me think I could be a writer, sane,
thin, and a non-smoker all at once?
Daughter calls from college, depressed, and talks for an hour about HER problems
(yeah, right, like she thinks she's got problems). I murmur consoling noises and take
deep breaths, while maintaining silent mantra that goes like this: I want a cigarette, I
want a cigarette, I want a cigarette.
Husband sees me eating peanut butter out of jar; lectures me on fat content. I yell at
him to get off my back, then have a glass of wine--okay, three glasses of wine. This
only makes me want to smoke more.
10:00 p.m. Post frantic note on Internet to ask if anyone has had a craving last 5
straight hours. While posting, devour a package of Oreos. Now I have a headache.
Make a note to call doctor: Can you overdose on deep breathing?
Thursday
Finally got to sleep around 1:30, but the cat woke me at 4:30 to go out, then at 5:30 to
come in. Make a mental note: after breakfast, kill the cat.
Annabel in England, who is on her eighth month of not smoking, e-mails me. "Don't
worry," she says, "you will learn to concentrate without smoking, and you CAN write
without smoking." I decide she is lying but resolve to stay more relaxed today. Focus
on the positives: No more wheezing attacks. Some occasional coughing but that's a
good sign - the cilia are coming back to life, doing their job. Mouth tastes fresh, skin
looks healthier, have more energy. Am getting to know Dave Letterman and he's
actually a warm, nurturing person, very misunderstood.
Decide to try stick cinnamon, as recommended. I hold it like a cigarette, put it to my
mouth and take a drag, throwing my head back. Say to husband, "Don't I look like
Lauren Bacall in `Key Largo'?" His response: "Didn't Bogie die of lung cancer?"
"Smoke" my cinnamon stick all morning, taking deep breaths, and for a little while -
maybe half an hour - am able to concentrate.
Hour-long fast walk in the afternoon. Feel great.
Exhausted, I fall asleep at 10:30.
Friday
Dreamt I smoked two cigarettes in a row and enjoyed it. Wake up feeling depressed
and hungry. Eat two big bowls of oatmeal.
Discover a butt in the jade plant - my old hiding place - and hold it in my hand,
imagining how it would feel to smoke it: the instant relief, the calm. Then I smell it
and remember the coughing, the wheezing attacks. It occurs to me that smoking
never improved my life in any way - that stress and frustration come and go, whether
I smoke or not. I throw the butt in the trash, then log onto the Internet, where I read
this message:
"I quit smoking one year ago and feel great! How to do it? There are
no miracles, no easy answers. At first it's very hard, but it gets easier
every day. Set your mind to other things. Keep busy, drink lots of
water, eat good healthy food, and exercise. When tempted to smoke,
remember how awful you felt when you smoked, and how much you
don't want to go through quitting again. Look around and let everything
you see take much of your attention. Good luck, and peace."
Outside my office window, a hummingbird buzzes the poinsettia, iridescent throat
flashing bright colors in the sunlight. I take a deep breath and turn to my work,
resolved. Next thing I know the morning has passed, and I have the beginning of a
first draft.
Rachel Altman 1994
Monday
Having decided to quit smoking once and for all, I flush half a pack of cigarettes
down the toilet, put on a nicotine patch, then go to the store to buy sunflower seeds,
carrots, hard candies, grape juice, and sugarless gum.
Turn to work on article about quit smoking programs, but can't concentrate; images
of me lighting a cigarette keep flashing through my mind. Try deep breathing, then
chew sunflower seeds, carrots, gum. Still desperately craving cigarette.
Give up and go to the gym for two-hour work-out. Immediately after, feel great urge
to smoke. Stop at store, buy half-pound of chocolate-covered almonds. Polish them
off before I get home.
Attend a reading at Barnes and Noble, throughout which I suck candies like a
madwoman, rummaging in my purse for another as soon as one is finished. Ask lots
of questions, loudly, aggressively, interrupting other people, who give me dirty looks.
11:00 p.m. Can't sleep. Watch David Letterman.
12:30. Fix a cup of chamomile tea. Take a Benadryl to make me drowsy.
Eventually fall asleep.
Tuesday
Try to work, but it's hopeless. Distracted by cravings. Log onto Internet stop-smoking
newsgroup and spend the morning posting, maniacally telling strangers things I
haven't told my husband, my best friend, my therapist. Sunflower seeds very
satisfying to chew, chomp, pound with teeth, destroy the little buggers and tear them
to shreds. Ha!, take that.??
Lunchtime comes very quickly; I've moved it up from noon to, oh let's see, it must be
11:05 now. Alas, another morning with no work done.
Go to the gym and pump stairmaster while watching a soap. Cry unabashedly.
Ask husband if he will still love me if I'm intense, interrupt all the time, weep
uncontrollably, and gain 20 pounds. He says he thinks there's medication I can take
that isn't as bad for me as cigarettes. This response is less than encouraging.
11:30 p.m. Letterman again. Make a note: Call doctor and ask if she knows of a
Benadryl addicts support group.
Wednesday
Dreamt that I had quit smoking, felt happy. Then saw myself in mirror, grotesquely
obese. Log onto Internet and post: "If anyone knows of a fat- free sunflower seed,
please e-mail me immediately!!!" Make a mental note: Stop using so many
exclamations points!!!
Read through notes for article but the words make no sense, and my Internet buddies
are getting on my nerves: all that whining, or worse, the cheerleading from the ones
who are having an easy time.
5:00 p.m. Panic. What possessed me to quit when I'm facing a deadline? I said I
would do anything to become an ex-smoker, but I didn't expect to give up my
livelihood. And what sort of work is available to people with the attention span of an
e-mail post? Images of famous writers sitting at typewriters flash through my
head--they're all holding cigarettes. What made me think I could be a writer, sane,
thin, and a non-smoker all at once?
Daughter calls from college, depressed, and talks for an hour about HER problems
(yeah, right, like she thinks she's got problems). I murmur consoling noises and take
deep breaths, while maintaining silent mantra that goes like this: I want a cigarette, I
want a cigarette, I want a cigarette.
Husband sees me eating peanut butter out of jar; lectures me on fat content. I yell at
him to get off my back, then have a glass of wine--okay, three glasses of wine. This
only makes me want to smoke more.
10:00 p.m. Post frantic note on Internet to ask if anyone has had a craving last 5
straight hours. While posting, devour a package of Oreos. Now I have a headache.
Make a note to call doctor: Can you overdose on deep breathing?
Thursday
Finally got to sleep around 1:30, but the cat woke me at 4:30 to go out, then at 5:30 to
come in. Make a mental note: after breakfast, kill the cat.
Annabel in England, who is on her eighth month of not smoking, e-mails me. "Don't
worry," she says, "you will learn to concentrate without smoking, and you CAN write
without smoking." I decide she is lying but resolve to stay more relaxed today. Focus
on the positives: No more wheezing attacks. Some occasional coughing but that's a
good sign - the cilia are coming back to life, doing their job. Mouth tastes fresh, skin
looks healthier, have more energy. Am getting to know Dave Letterman and he's
actually a warm, nurturing person, very misunderstood.
Decide to try stick cinnamon, as recommended. I hold it like a cigarette, put it to my
mouth and take a drag, throwing my head back. Say to husband, "Don't I look like
Lauren Bacall in `Key Largo'?" His response: "Didn't Bogie die of lung cancer?"
"Smoke" my cinnamon stick all morning, taking deep breaths, and for a little while -
maybe half an hour - am able to concentrate.
Hour-long fast walk in the afternoon. Feel great.
Exhausted, I fall asleep at 10:30.
Friday
Dreamt I smoked two cigarettes in a row and enjoyed it. Wake up feeling depressed
and hungry. Eat two big bowls of oatmeal.
Discover a butt in the jade plant - my old hiding place - and hold it in my hand,
imagining how it would feel to smoke it: the instant relief, the calm. Then I smell it
and remember the coughing, the wheezing attacks. It occurs to me that smoking
never improved my life in any way - that stress and frustration come and go, whether
I smoke or not. I throw the butt in the trash, then log onto the Internet, where I read
this message:
"I quit smoking one year ago and feel great! How to do it? There are
no miracles, no easy answers. At first it's very hard, but it gets easier
every day. Set your mind to other things. Keep busy, drink lots of
water, eat good healthy food, and exercise. When tempted to smoke,
remember how awful you felt when you smoked, and how much you
don't want to go through quitting again. Look around and let everything
you see take much of your attention. Good luck, and peace."
Outside my office window, a hummingbird buzzes the poinsettia, iridescent throat
flashing bright colors in the sunlight. I take a deep breath and turn to my work,
resolved. Next thing I know the morning has passed, and I have the beginning of a
first draft.
