Post by Ann on Jul 19, 2004 13:48:18 GMT -5
I found this today on QuitNet and no matter how far along you are in your quit something like this may happen. When you are having a hard time POST! Just like Maggie you need to get it out, ask questions, distract yourself, read past posts, whatever it takes to not smoke.
even after all this time...
it's weird, ya know?
Let me start by saying that if you're a newbie quitter, don't take what I'm about to write like it doesn't get easier, because it does and it is SOOOO worth it! If you do read this then understand that I'm still a junkie -- through and through -- no matter how long it's been since my last fix. I'm still looking for that magic pill/drink/smoke that gives me relief. It always boils down to me trying to micromanage my own life and things not going the way *I* want them to (how dare they?). It seems like that's when the Nicodemon knows I just might listen. It's like an old sick love affair.
I must admit that it does fascinate me when ol' Nic starts to court me out of nowhere. Very subtle, very sweet, quite charming and with a lot of "hey, you only live once" thrown in for persuasion.
My husband lit a cigarette outside (the only place he smokes) and the windows were open last night. It smelled good. I know that's junkie lie #4592, but that's what my inner olfactory junkie was telling me --> it smelled like ahhhhhh relaxation at the end of a long day. And then turned into... must be nice. I don't get a chance to relax anymore... blah blah resentment-filled blah... I recognized it for what it was and went on with my evening.
Then this morning I was feeling quite agitated & overwhelmed with house stuff. I kept thinking, or having this fantasy that maybe I could just be a smoker -- I don't drink anymore etc., so it'd just be my one crutch. Somehow it seemed like if I were able to take smoke breaks my life would be more manageable. My house would be more organized.
It never ceases to AMAZE me. How can I forget the HELL I went through to get to easy street? And if I'm honest I gotta say: in quit terms, I'm on easy street. It's been 1256 days since I smoked. That's easy street. Very seldom a thought, much less an urge, to smoke.
My junkie know there's no "let's just smoke for a little while and then quit again" and it knows I won't fall for the "just one" lie anymore either. So now it's going for the all out "just be a smoker." Sheesh!
At times like these, I am so thankful for the Q. This place keeps it in perspective for me. I must remember that of the (literally) hundreds of quit attempts the only other significant time I was able to pull together was 19 days. Reaching that 19 days again was HELL. There were countless attempts between 19 day quit and the current 1256 day quit. And quite honestly, I don't think that I'd ever make it back to 1256, not ever.
So instead of listening to those sweet nothings, those nonsensical illusions, I sit here at the computer and spill it all out. I have to. It keeps honest. It reminds me that my addiction will find any crack in the foundation to weasle it's way back into my life. It reminds me that I need to stay on task with the important things in life. I need to take some time the next few days to take care of myself and be sure I'm getting enough sleep, eating right -- all those things that in the end keep me balanced.
I need to come back here and read people's stories -- it keeps me fresh. I need to remember the task at hand is important, and sometimes difficult. I need to remember to reach out to others both to help them and to help balance myself. Thanks to each one of you for continuing to share your stories, your strengths, and your weaknesses. It really helps.
your quit sis,
Maggie
day 1256 CT
Never Question Your Decision To Quit
even after all this time...
it's weird, ya know?
Let me start by saying that if you're a newbie quitter, don't take what I'm about to write like it doesn't get easier, because it does and it is SOOOO worth it! If you do read this then understand that I'm still a junkie -- through and through -- no matter how long it's been since my last fix. I'm still looking for that magic pill/drink/smoke that gives me relief. It always boils down to me trying to micromanage my own life and things not going the way *I* want them to (how dare they?). It seems like that's when the Nicodemon knows I just might listen. It's like an old sick love affair.
I must admit that it does fascinate me when ol' Nic starts to court me out of nowhere. Very subtle, very sweet, quite charming and with a lot of "hey, you only live once" thrown in for persuasion.
My husband lit a cigarette outside (the only place he smokes) and the windows were open last night. It smelled good. I know that's junkie lie #4592, but that's what my inner olfactory junkie was telling me --> it smelled like ahhhhhh relaxation at the end of a long day. And then turned into... must be nice. I don't get a chance to relax anymore... blah blah resentment-filled blah... I recognized it for what it was and went on with my evening.
Then this morning I was feeling quite agitated & overwhelmed with house stuff. I kept thinking, or having this fantasy that maybe I could just be a smoker -- I don't drink anymore etc., so it'd just be my one crutch. Somehow it seemed like if I were able to take smoke breaks my life would be more manageable. My house would be more organized.
It never ceases to AMAZE me. How can I forget the HELL I went through to get to easy street? And if I'm honest I gotta say: in quit terms, I'm on easy street. It's been 1256 days since I smoked. That's easy street. Very seldom a thought, much less an urge, to smoke.
My junkie know there's no "let's just smoke for a little while and then quit again" and it knows I won't fall for the "just one" lie anymore either. So now it's going for the all out "just be a smoker." Sheesh!
At times like these, I am so thankful for the Q. This place keeps it in perspective for me. I must remember that of the (literally) hundreds of quit attempts the only other significant time I was able to pull together was 19 days. Reaching that 19 days again was HELL. There were countless attempts between 19 day quit and the current 1256 day quit. And quite honestly, I don't think that I'd ever make it back to 1256, not ever.
So instead of listening to those sweet nothings, those nonsensical illusions, I sit here at the computer and spill it all out. I have to. It keeps honest. It reminds me that my addiction will find any crack in the foundation to weasle it's way back into my life. It reminds me that I need to stay on task with the important things in life. I need to take some time the next few days to take care of myself and be sure I'm getting enough sleep, eating right -- all those things that in the end keep me balanced.
I need to come back here and read people's stories -- it keeps me fresh. I need to remember the task at hand is important, and sometimes difficult. I need to remember to reach out to others both to help them and to help balance myself. Thanks to each one of you for continuing to share your stories, your strengths, and your weaknesses. It really helps.
your quit sis,
Maggie
day 1256 CT
Never Question Your Decision To Quit