Post by judyb on Jul 24, 2004 9:57:34 GMT -5
posted in November 2000 by a quitter from New Zealand named Bridget (I sure miss her):
BEH (Bridget) on Thursday, November 30, 2000 - 06:10 am:
I came across someone in my life today who said that I was not thinking right
about my life, that in fact smoking wasnt important, in fact he ridiculed me that I
had quit smoking, and said that I should be more worried about the occasional
alcohol which I have.
When I was younger ie from the age of 15 to 24 I abused alcohol a lot, my life
revolved around it. At 24 I had a life changing experience and, as a result, I
stopped abusing alcohol. Im now 35. I do not crave alcohol. I occasionally drink
socially.
About 18 months ago I had given up smoking for about 4 or 5 months ( cant
remember exactly)Yet another try. This time I was highly motivated because I
had scored a top job abd had something to prove. I knew that if I smoked I would
never be able to have the focus and energy to succeed.
I was in fact highly successful, experiencing a great deal of success, I was not
used to this type of public attention, acheivement, good feelings etc. One night
during the midst of this success I went out to dinner with some work colleagues ,
we drank wine, I got quite drunk, the company, the success, the fear of the
success, ( my life had changed so much)and I picked up cigarettes. Effectively
that was the beginning of the end of the success. By the end of that week I was
back on 20 plus cigarettes a day, I was not able to think or concentrate, all I
could think of was my next cigarrette. I am deeply and profoundely addicted to
nicotine. My rock botton is sitting at home smoking cigarettes and doing the bare
minimum to live. I lived to smoke.
My work suffered enormously, I could no longer be the responsible person I had
been when I had stopped smoking, ( I had stopped smoking to get this job, it
meant so much to me.)
I started having sick days, the truth was I was too tired from the smoking, my
asthma , the hang over from cigarettes, fatigue, exhaustion actually. I
couldnt/didnt want to do anything, cigarettes stealing my energy and my life.
I ended up leaving that job because I couldnt do it effectively and I left in early
2000. I was so so so disappointed in myself. I got very depressed, but as you
could imagine, I kept smoking, they felt my life line and my death line at the same
time. They were all I thought I had to live for.
Because I had been drunk that night when I picked up cigarettes again, I decided
that I might be an alcoholic. I started going to AA and nothing changed, hahaha ,
now that seems so silly, I kept smoking and my life stayed as miserable as it was.
I kept going to AA and not a lot changed. certainly my attitude did not change. I
couldnt make the shift on the inside. I now know thats because I was still using
my favourite drug of choice, nicotine.
I learnt a lot about the 12 steps which was and is still very useful to me today,
and i am grateful for that time and learning that th epeople of AA gave me. I
even applied the 12 steps to cigarettes and stopped smoking for a while, BUT
with out the support of other people who identified with my addiction I eventually
went back to smoking.
Doh!, My life is now improving rapidly in the short space of time I have been quit
smoking. Every area of my life has improved, my relationships with family and
friends, my health , energy and work effort improved, my mental and emotional
health steadily improves each day. I laugh a lot more, my lightness and joy is
returning. I am much more pleasant to be around and it isnt pretend, it feels real,
thats the best thing.
I come to this board to identify with others, to receive and hopefully return some
of the group friendship and support and understanding. And I have 12 step
recovery literature which I use to support a new life free of cigarettes. This is
how my quit is working successfully for me. This is my solution for me. We each
have our own way that works for us in quitting our addiction to nicotine dont we.
Who cares how, its what works that matters aye.
Now getting back to this chap who visited me today. He was from AA. He
stopped by to see how I was. I had not seen him for months and months. I dont
go to AA anymore. He meant well, but he thinks he knows better about me than I
do. He thinks I am an alcoholic in denial. He told me so. He was patronising and
judgmental and the worst thing is I allowed him into my home and let this
behaviour occur towards me. I had not invited him, he turned up on the doorstep.
He meant well but I dont think he knew what effect his behaviour would have on
me.
Well folks, I know what Im addicted too. I know what I crave for, dream about,
think about, use for physical, psychological and emotional relief:
CIGARETTES:NICOTINE.
I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT
AND IF I KEEP USING IT I WILL DIE, I KNOW THAT NOW
I CANNOT HAVE ONE CIGARETTE;
ONE IS TOO MANY AND 1000 IS NOT ENOUGH.
This is not my experience with alcohol,i do not crave, dream or fantasise about
picking up a drink. Alcohol does not figure in my life in the way nicotine does.
I write to you tonight because of the effect this mans visit had on my smoking
quit and my thinking and belief in myself. You see I faltered badly. I believed him
and my whole world in a matter of minutes felt like it was falling apart. This was
very scarey. . I doubted myself. And with the doubt came fear, and with the fear
came powerlessness. I went into shock, I wanted to ask him to leave, but I didnt
want to seem rude. I was very uncomfortable, I went into that well known
experience of powerlessness. yukk. I got stuck in it for about two hours after he
left. My thinking was really shakey, I felt like I was crazy, like Id done something
wrong, like I was wrong, my thinking was wrong, does anyone know this feeling/
experience?
I lost all my energy, it was like the foundation that I have been building in my life
since I quit nicotine and came here to this safe place at the board fell out from
underneath me, I felt very ungrounded and fear spread through my veins.
I am really really fortunate that I did not pick up a cigarette. Funny really, the
thought didnt cross my mind, how strange.
Well I lay down and I prayed and I slept for about an hour and I woke up, I
brushed my hair and washed my face, I went and got dinner ready and I went for
a walk and I self talked my self back to where I was before he came around. I
came home and I emailed him as he sends the odd humerous email my way and I
politely asked him to stop emailing me and not to visit or communicate with me
again.
I feel stronger tonight for what happened today. It was a very powerful lesson. I
learnt a big lesson today. I was shown how much another persons thinking still
impacts on my life. You know I really dont like that any more. I think there needs
to be a few key people that I trust and listen to for advice , that I trust and
whos opinion I value. I must learn to value my own opinion on me and my life, and
my needs and whats right for me.
As a smoker I listened to every one , every one was the authority in my life, I
never knew how to trust me and listen to my own self. I wanted other people to
be responsible for me in many ways. Smoking pattern was like my opting out of
self responsibilty.
I learnt a big lesson today. I must trust myself, listen to my truth and trust my
thinking. I learnt a big lesson today. I learnt I gotta love myself more, I cannot
abandon my self to meet the need of another human being, I gotta put myself
first on that respect. Like the old airplane trick, put your own oxygen mask on
before your childs. I think Marykat was talking about this the other day and this
is just more of the same.
Learning to live free of cigarettes is so much more than that just the cigarettes
isnt it. Thats a lot, but its just the beginning, if I dont seek to enlarge my
awareness of myself and my patterns I increase my danger of relapse over time
IMHO.
Being smoke free for me is about learning to grow up and to look after myself. To
protect, honour,love, cherish myself in sickness and in health. Yeah! quitting
smoking is like marrying myself , making that committment on a daily basis. I will
not smoke a cigarette today, just for today. Whatever happens there is no
justifiable reason to pick up a cigarette.
If I dont front up to myself, and my life Im gonna spend the rest of my life falling
into the victim hole and I dont want to go down that street no more. I learnt a
big lesson today. And I am grateful for it and the messenger who bought it.
End of story......well, maybe to be continued might be more appropriate....lol
Thanks for being here. Where else could I talk about this stuff.
BEH (Bridget) on Thursday, November 30, 2000 - 06:10 am:
I came across someone in my life today who said that I was not thinking right
about my life, that in fact smoking wasnt important, in fact he ridiculed me that I
had quit smoking, and said that I should be more worried about the occasional
alcohol which I have.
When I was younger ie from the age of 15 to 24 I abused alcohol a lot, my life
revolved around it. At 24 I had a life changing experience and, as a result, I
stopped abusing alcohol. Im now 35. I do not crave alcohol. I occasionally drink
socially.
About 18 months ago I had given up smoking for about 4 or 5 months ( cant
remember exactly)Yet another try. This time I was highly motivated because I
had scored a top job abd had something to prove. I knew that if I smoked I would
never be able to have the focus and energy to succeed.
I was in fact highly successful, experiencing a great deal of success, I was not
used to this type of public attention, acheivement, good feelings etc. One night
during the midst of this success I went out to dinner with some work colleagues ,
we drank wine, I got quite drunk, the company, the success, the fear of the
success, ( my life had changed so much)and I picked up cigarettes. Effectively
that was the beginning of the end of the success. By the end of that week I was
back on 20 plus cigarettes a day, I was not able to think or concentrate, all I
could think of was my next cigarrette. I am deeply and profoundely addicted to
nicotine. My rock botton is sitting at home smoking cigarettes and doing the bare
minimum to live. I lived to smoke.
My work suffered enormously, I could no longer be the responsible person I had
been when I had stopped smoking, ( I had stopped smoking to get this job, it
meant so much to me.)
I started having sick days, the truth was I was too tired from the smoking, my
asthma , the hang over from cigarettes, fatigue, exhaustion actually. I
couldnt/didnt want to do anything, cigarettes stealing my energy and my life.
I ended up leaving that job because I couldnt do it effectively and I left in early
2000. I was so so so disappointed in myself. I got very depressed, but as you
could imagine, I kept smoking, they felt my life line and my death line at the same
time. They were all I thought I had to live for.
Because I had been drunk that night when I picked up cigarettes again, I decided
that I might be an alcoholic. I started going to AA and nothing changed, hahaha ,
now that seems so silly, I kept smoking and my life stayed as miserable as it was.
I kept going to AA and not a lot changed. certainly my attitude did not change. I
couldnt make the shift on the inside. I now know thats because I was still using
my favourite drug of choice, nicotine.
I learnt a lot about the 12 steps which was and is still very useful to me today,
and i am grateful for that time and learning that th epeople of AA gave me. I
even applied the 12 steps to cigarettes and stopped smoking for a while, BUT
with out the support of other people who identified with my addiction I eventually
went back to smoking.
Doh!, My life is now improving rapidly in the short space of time I have been quit
smoking. Every area of my life has improved, my relationships with family and
friends, my health , energy and work effort improved, my mental and emotional
health steadily improves each day. I laugh a lot more, my lightness and joy is
returning. I am much more pleasant to be around and it isnt pretend, it feels real,
thats the best thing.
I come to this board to identify with others, to receive and hopefully return some
of the group friendship and support and understanding. And I have 12 step
recovery literature which I use to support a new life free of cigarettes. This is
how my quit is working successfully for me. This is my solution for me. We each
have our own way that works for us in quitting our addiction to nicotine dont we.
Who cares how, its what works that matters aye.
Now getting back to this chap who visited me today. He was from AA. He
stopped by to see how I was. I had not seen him for months and months. I dont
go to AA anymore. He meant well, but he thinks he knows better about me than I
do. He thinks I am an alcoholic in denial. He told me so. He was patronising and
judgmental and the worst thing is I allowed him into my home and let this
behaviour occur towards me. I had not invited him, he turned up on the doorstep.
He meant well but I dont think he knew what effect his behaviour would have on
me.
Well folks, I know what Im addicted too. I know what I crave for, dream about,
think about, use for physical, psychological and emotional relief:
CIGARETTES:NICOTINE.
I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT
AND IF I KEEP USING IT I WILL DIE, I KNOW THAT NOW
I CANNOT HAVE ONE CIGARETTE;
ONE IS TOO MANY AND 1000 IS NOT ENOUGH.
This is not my experience with alcohol,i do not crave, dream or fantasise about
picking up a drink. Alcohol does not figure in my life in the way nicotine does.
I write to you tonight because of the effect this mans visit had on my smoking
quit and my thinking and belief in myself. You see I faltered badly. I believed him
and my whole world in a matter of minutes felt like it was falling apart. This was
very scarey. . I doubted myself. And with the doubt came fear, and with the fear
came powerlessness. I went into shock, I wanted to ask him to leave, but I didnt
want to seem rude. I was very uncomfortable, I went into that well known
experience of powerlessness. yukk. I got stuck in it for about two hours after he
left. My thinking was really shakey, I felt like I was crazy, like Id done something
wrong, like I was wrong, my thinking was wrong, does anyone know this feeling/
experience?
I lost all my energy, it was like the foundation that I have been building in my life
since I quit nicotine and came here to this safe place at the board fell out from
underneath me, I felt very ungrounded and fear spread through my veins.
I am really really fortunate that I did not pick up a cigarette. Funny really, the
thought didnt cross my mind, how strange.
Well I lay down and I prayed and I slept for about an hour and I woke up, I
brushed my hair and washed my face, I went and got dinner ready and I went for
a walk and I self talked my self back to where I was before he came around. I
came home and I emailed him as he sends the odd humerous email my way and I
politely asked him to stop emailing me and not to visit or communicate with me
again.
I feel stronger tonight for what happened today. It was a very powerful lesson. I
learnt a big lesson today. I was shown how much another persons thinking still
impacts on my life. You know I really dont like that any more. I think there needs
to be a few key people that I trust and listen to for advice , that I trust and
whos opinion I value. I must learn to value my own opinion on me and my life, and
my needs and whats right for me.
As a smoker I listened to every one , every one was the authority in my life, I
never knew how to trust me and listen to my own self. I wanted other people to
be responsible for me in many ways. Smoking pattern was like my opting out of
self responsibilty.
I learnt a big lesson today. I must trust myself, listen to my truth and trust my
thinking. I learnt a big lesson today. I learnt I gotta love myself more, I cannot
abandon my self to meet the need of another human being, I gotta put myself
first on that respect. Like the old airplane trick, put your own oxygen mask on
before your childs. I think Marykat was talking about this the other day and this
is just more of the same.
Learning to live free of cigarettes is so much more than that just the cigarettes
isnt it. Thats a lot, but its just the beginning, if I dont seek to enlarge my
awareness of myself and my patterns I increase my danger of relapse over time
IMHO.
Being smoke free for me is about learning to grow up and to look after myself. To
protect, honour,love, cherish myself in sickness and in health. Yeah! quitting
smoking is like marrying myself , making that committment on a daily basis. I will
not smoke a cigarette today, just for today. Whatever happens there is no
justifiable reason to pick up a cigarette.
If I dont front up to myself, and my life Im gonna spend the rest of my life falling
into the victim hole and I dont want to go down that street no more. I learnt a
big lesson today. And I am grateful for it and the messenger who bought it.
End of story......well, maybe to be continued might be more appropriate....lol
Thanks for being here. Where else could I talk about this stuff.