Post by judyb on Aug 26, 2004 10:59:34 GMT -5
Bones on Unrecorded Date:
Today has been a struggle in my battle without the cigarettes. After 1 week and 5 days, I still
find myself automatically reaching for one without even thinking. As I rode in the car the other
day, we passed by a house, no one I know, nothing that I know of connected me to that house,
yet, I caught myself all of a sudden romanticising smoking one, holding it between my fingers,
and pressing it to my lips to draw in a deep breathe.
I thought to myself "why do I want one right now at this particular moment?" It's not the nicotine I
crave because at this point in my quit, I am still using the patch along with the wellbutrin, so, it
has to be just the psychological aspect of the act. Was there something about that house that
triggered a memory I was unaware of or had pushed back in my mind? Was it the color or the
style that is somehow related to someone else's home that has caused me stress? I study my
own thought patterns and try to analyze some of them so that I might understand the logic
behind my habit.
As far back as I can remember, I have been around smokers beginning with both my parents. I
used to sit and watch their actions of the hand to mouth, the suction, the exhale. Whatever was I
thinking at that age that led me to begin the habit on my own? I hated the smell while living at
home and tried to get them to quit to no avail and then, after losing my son at age 22, I lit up
for the first time in my life. I don't understand how I could have managed to not smoke, nor be
around smokers constantly from the time I was 18 till 22 and then, pick them up.
I remember during those 4 smoke free years the struggles with constant bouts of depression. I
think now that it must have been withdrawal symptoms because I wasn't breathing the 2nd
hand smoke any longer. Could I have been addicted by that smoke all my life even though it
wasn't directly inhaled? If that is true, could that mean that rather than my saying I have smoked
for 24 years, it could mean that number would be more like 43?
The everyday patterns are the hardest. No cig with coffee in the morning, none as I get ready
for work, none in the car to work, none on break or after eating, none while on the computer or
watching t.v.. Geez, I was forever with one in my hand. Now, it is not with me and I keep looking
for it. I miss it terribly. I have trouble figuring out what to do when I drink coffee in the morning.
I feel stupid just sitting there drinking the coffee. The other common times I would smoke are
difficult also. Like one person said on the board, "what does a non smoker do after eating?" I
have no idea because I have never really been without the nicotine in one form or another other
than that 4 years.
I am proud of myself for taking this huge step to quit the habit. I am proud of myself each time I
want a cigarette and don't get in the car and go buy a pack. I am proud of myself for all the
times this last week and a half I have gotten up from a meal and begun a project other than
smoking. I am proud of myself for having the courage to finally say "NO!". I will make it this time.
I am tired of all the failed attempts to quit and somehow this time feels different. It feels right
and it feels good and I feel strong.
One week, five days, 18 hours, 8 minutes and 12 seconds. 510 cigarettes not smoked, saving
$62.50. Life saved: 1 day, 18 hours, 30 minutes.
Today has been a struggle in my battle without the cigarettes. After 1 week and 5 days, I still
find myself automatically reaching for one without even thinking. As I rode in the car the other
day, we passed by a house, no one I know, nothing that I know of connected me to that house,
yet, I caught myself all of a sudden romanticising smoking one, holding it between my fingers,
and pressing it to my lips to draw in a deep breathe.
I thought to myself "why do I want one right now at this particular moment?" It's not the nicotine I
crave because at this point in my quit, I am still using the patch along with the wellbutrin, so, it
has to be just the psychological aspect of the act. Was there something about that house that
triggered a memory I was unaware of or had pushed back in my mind? Was it the color or the
style that is somehow related to someone else's home that has caused me stress? I study my
own thought patterns and try to analyze some of them so that I might understand the logic
behind my habit.
As far back as I can remember, I have been around smokers beginning with both my parents. I
used to sit and watch their actions of the hand to mouth, the suction, the exhale. Whatever was I
thinking at that age that led me to begin the habit on my own? I hated the smell while living at
home and tried to get them to quit to no avail and then, after losing my son at age 22, I lit up
for the first time in my life. I don't understand how I could have managed to not smoke, nor be
around smokers constantly from the time I was 18 till 22 and then, pick them up.
I remember during those 4 smoke free years the struggles with constant bouts of depression. I
think now that it must have been withdrawal symptoms because I wasn't breathing the 2nd
hand smoke any longer. Could I have been addicted by that smoke all my life even though it
wasn't directly inhaled? If that is true, could that mean that rather than my saying I have smoked
for 24 years, it could mean that number would be more like 43?
The everyday patterns are the hardest. No cig with coffee in the morning, none as I get ready
for work, none in the car to work, none on break or after eating, none while on the computer or
watching t.v.. Geez, I was forever with one in my hand. Now, it is not with me and I keep looking
for it. I miss it terribly. I have trouble figuring out what to do when I drink coffee in the morning.
I feel stupid just sitting there drinking the coffee. The other common times I would smoke are
difficult also. Like one person said on the board, "what does a non smoker do after eating?" I
have no idea because I have never really been without the nicotine in one form or another other
than that 4 years.
I am proud of myself for taking this huge step to quit the habit. I am proud of myself each time I
want a cigarette and don't get in the car and go buy a pack. I am proud of myself for all the
times this last week and a half I have gotten up from a meal and begun a project other than
smoking. I am proud of myself for having the courage to finally say "NO!". I will make it this time.
I am tired of all the failed attempts to quit and somehow this time feels different. It feels right
and it feels good and I feel strong.
One week, five days, 18 hours, 8 minutes and 12 seconds. 510 cigarettes not smoked, saving
$62.50. Life saved: 1 day, 18 hours, 30 minutes.
